Missed your chance, Wills

As the royal wedding week is now officially upon us I can't help but think of what might have been between the prince and I. It seemed to be fated from the start, really. We were born less than 4 months apart from each other, both to women who had classic 80's blonde hair, and both in big cities that are dreary.

 

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We both entered the world and shocked others with our frighteningly pale skin and horrid teeth. We went on to have separate but similarly extraordinary lives, being raised by government officials. The parallels don't end there (we both ran cross-country in high school!) but it doesn't matter now as our time clearly never came. Despite it being written in the stars, our fates just never aligned.

While I am happy not to be stalked by the British paparazzi, I think no one is more disappointed by this twist of fate than the Queen herself. As it was pointed out to me by my sister-in-law, who is an ACTUAL ENGLISH PERSON, I would have made the perfect royal bride. Here I am pregnant with a male heir and due 9 months and a few days after my wedding. Do the math yourself, the timing is perfect, and those extra days just ensure that appearances are kept up.

Since it is quite clear that I will never take my proper throne, I wanted to take this opportunity to wish Catherine, or second rate Kate as I like to call her, the best on her wedding day. I also want to offer just a few pieces of advice from someone who (should have) been there.

1. Please please don't wear long sleeves. Whatever type of dress you choose is going to be instantly popular for the next 20 yrs and we really don't need to go there again. (Mom, the sleeves on your dress were lovely and also no one blames you because it was the 70's.)

2. Don't trip!!!!!

3. Make that boy wear a ring. As with your dress, we are all going to follow you like sheep and this doesn't seem to be the best precedent. Although I suppose you've spared us all from reading tabloid articles about how Will took off his ring, are there problems??? We'll never know. On second thought, perhaps you have that one handled.

4. Since everyone knows you don't actually do anything related to "governing", perhaps you could focus your efforts on something just as important. You need to do something about your nation's food. It is not a mystery why all of your people are skinny and pale. We would be too if our food consisted of boiled potatoes and fish. The dessert that you most prize and will even serve at your wedding is literally a national joke to us. I don't know a single person who has ever actually eaten a bite of fruit cake. A dessert should be something that you can't resist and that disappears quickly in a room full of people. It should not be something that gets balled up, wrapped in a napkin, and tossed in a potted plant in the corner. (I recognize that perhaps fruit cakes taste different in England and ours are just disgusting. If this is the case, ship some over here!)

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If you ever want to see your people blossom to their full potential size or if you'd ever like to compete with us in heart disease rates or diabetes diagnoses, I suggest perhaps replacing fruit cake with cheesecake, or chocolate cake, or even vanilla cupcakes. And while you're at it, biscuits are the things you get at KFC and cookies are the things with chocolate chips in them. I'm advocating an international standard for these terms for the sake of diplomacy. (To be clear, the international standard should be based on the way we do it. USA! USA!*)

*Maybe my blind loyalty to America is why William didn't pick me??

With my real life prince and our 20 week old heir after savoring some tasty American desserts at Easter brunch.