Reset button

My emotions have always sort of operated like a stick of dynamite with a slow burning fuse. I can coast along just fine for a while despite adversities but then all of a sudden the slightest little thing causes the fuse to burn out and BOOM! Every tiny little thing that got me to that point comes back in a mini-meltdown. Perhaps this is more like a volcano than dynamite? The analogy leaves something to be desired.

It has come to my attention now that I am a parent, it's no longer feasible for me to sporadically meltdown and abdicate all responsibility until I can reset my fuse. This is something I need to work on.

Lately I've taken great solace in something that has always been near and dear to my heart, my Tassimo machine. I need it now more than ever. My angel baby has continued his nighttime reign of terror ever since we returned from DC.

"Ruining my mom's nights is exhausting."

Something is causing him to wake up every hour on the hour as if he swallowed a cuckoo clock. At the beginning of the night I'm ok and relatively patient and compassionate. As time goes on I begin to lose it. Slowly my mind turns to a mushy oatmeal consistency and my maturity level approaches that of a toddler. A snippet of my inner monologue follows:

"Ohhhh my god you have got to be #%?*&ing kidding me he is awake AGAIN! I can't go on. He will never learn how to sleep and it is obviously all my fault I am the worst mother in the whole world and I give up."

Then at some point I declare an arbitrary break in the never-ending cycle of horribleness at which point night ends and morning begins. Once B goes down for his next 55 mins of fitful sleep, I have breakfast and crank up my Tassimo machine. Fearing the beast's stirring I fill the cup with seasonally flavored coffeemate to cool the coffee to a chuggable temperature and down it. Serenity ensues. My inner monologue changes to:

"Oh my poor sweet baby! I wish I knew what was bothering him so much. The poor little guy must just be overwhelmed by all the turmoil and need his mommy. He is a baby after all, how can I expect him to cope with this on his own?? I will spend all day cuddling him and reassuring him. "

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Thank goodness I've found a reset button. If only the caffeine I ingested didn't make it's way to Bennett I would press it all day long.