I can't do that either!?

As everyone, pregnant or not, is aware there are certain things you can't do while you're growing a human. Some of these no-no's are fairly obvious... cocaine, belly flops on concrete floors, chain-smoking, etc. These are the things you avoid if you would like for your child to have functioning lungs and a beating heart.

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Then there are those things that the medical community claims pose "risks". I'm finding that these "risks" tend to vary quite a bit in both their severity and likelihood. Booze, for example, is a hotly debated topic amongst the rounded belly crowd. "Europeans drink a glass a day and their kids turn out fine!" is a common remark. Maybe that is why they take so many vacations!!?? (I kid, I kid. I love Europeans and vacations.) Regardless, I'm avoiding that one just in case.

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Further down the list of no-no's are the ones I like to call "my kid might not get into Harvard if I..."'s. This list of don'ts includes things like standing within 10 ft. of the microwave and placing your laptop on your lap. Don't get me wrong, this kid is getting into Harvard if I have anything to do with it but I need to find that happy place where I don't fall into a guilt spiral when I forget my lead body shield as I heat up my oatmeal. So here is my list of confessions. It includes both absurd bans that I obey out of neuroticism and bans that I somewhat disregard for my own sanity. It goes without saying (I hope?) that I'm not doing any of the obviously bad things.

Rules I break:
-No caffeine- Actually most doctors don't say to cut it out completely they just say to stay under 200 mg per day so I don't feel too bad about my 3 sips of coffee I allow myself in the mornings. Oh, and come on there is some caffeine in chocolate and although I'm really cutting back there is no way I am cutting that out. If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy, they say!
-Avoid the microwave-Without constructing some sort of absurd poking device (a la Friends when they thought ugly naked guy was dead) it would be impossible to turn on the microwave from outside of a 10 ft. radius. I will sheepishly admit that once I hit the start button I do leave the room until it beeps.
-No sleeping on your stomach- I think technically this applies to your 2nd and 3rd trimesters but I have heard some people say you should institute this ban immediately. It's not that I'm opposed to sleeping on my side I just can't be held responsible for my actions when I'm dead asleep so it has been known to happen.

Rules I follow:
-No zit cream- They say whatever is in your acne fighter is bad for the baby. They also say they have no idea if it is absorbed through the skin, into the bloodstream, and if it then crosses the placenta. My guess is it probably poses no risk but I'm obeying this one anyways. I find it especially cruel as this baby has given me the complexion of a 7th grader. (Old wives say that means it's a girl!)
-No soft cheeses- I've read that this ban can be lifted as long as you are sure that the cheese has been pasteurized and almost all cheeses you come across have been. It still gives me the heebie jeebies though since this rule has been around forever so I feel like there must be more to it. Come September I am having a major brie fest.
-Broadcast Mozart to the womb- The kid doesn't have ears yet so I haven't started this but I mean why not? Maybe that's just what this kid needs to tip the Harvard admission scales.

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