A different kind of baby Einstein

If I am remembering my physics classes correctly, you can never actually prove a law of physics. No matter how much money you spend on experiments, I'm looking at you CERN, all you can do is find evidence to support your theory. The evidence piles up until some new fundamental theory comes along and blows your old theory out of the water. (Goodbye Bohr Model, hello Quantum Mechanics!)

B would like to present to you his revised theory of relativity, or baby relativity, and his evidence to support it.

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Theory: B posits that the amount of parental energy expended calming a grouchy baby is inversely proportional to the amount of grouching and screaming that baby will produce. Essentially, no matter how ridiculous the soothing technique, as long as it is exhausting to the parent, it will produce results with the baby. He hopes to do further research on how exactly the babies know what is most tiring to the parents.

In equation form, his theory is

E = 1/mc²

where E is parental energy expended

m is moaning by baby

c is crying by baby

Evidence:

-Lying down and holding a fussy baby is fine. Sitting up is better. Sitting up and rocking them is better yet. Standing is even nicer. Standing and rocking is even nicer than that. Standing, rocking, and bouncing the baby while pacing the hallways and using your third hand to hold a binky in is the winner!!

"It's cute that you fell asleep too, Mom, but soon I'll start screaming and make you stand up!"

-Quietly holding a baby in any of the above manners is fine. Making the shusshing noise is better. Continually coming up with new songs and singing to the baby is the winner!! Last time I successfully employed this singing strategy I used Usher's DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love. B also likes Madonna, but only The Immaculate Collection. I'll need to learn more age appropriate songs before he comprehends language but have you heard children's music lately? That thought alone exhausts me.

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-This little piece of evidence may not apply across all babies, but in B's case when he needs distracting, a new toy is fine. Making his legs dance is better. Holding him in a standing position while yelling "standing baby!" is better still. Holding him high above your head while running around the room screaming "flying baby!" is the big winner every time.

-If you expend zero energy in comforting your baby and just sit there and stare at them you are in trouble. They will quickly spiral out of control. The relativity equation produces a divide by zero error and your baby becomes apoplectic.

"Even I know you can't divide by zero and I am mesmerized by monkeys on my feet."