Voice of God

I have heard it said many times that being a mother is the most selfless thing you can do. I'm not going to disagree with this statement for several reasons, the first of which being that I have zero experience. I fully believe that caring for, feeding, clothing, and chasing after a small person 24 hours a day and putting their needs ahead of your own qualifies as selfless it's just that I haven't done that yet. Given that I do have some experience now in the pregnancy department I also wouldn't completely disagree with anyone who said that it is a rather selfless act. However, that would be primarily because that statement makes me look good and also because I've given up Propel and Powerade Zero and there is absolutely no explanation for that behavior other than my putting baby's needs (to not get cancer) ahead of my own (to taste the sweet nectar of the aspartame gods).

Less than 3 months until we are reunited my sweet love

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Aside from those lifestyle changes which are not to be downplayed pregnancy is probably the most self-aggrandizing experience I've ever had. I am literally a god of my own universe, population: one. Not to toot my own horn further but I created him in only one day and rested on days two through seven.

You can really find anything on google images.
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What does it mean to be the god of your own universe? I can control literally everything this small person does. I move, he moves, I breathe, he breathes. When I sneeze, it is an earthquake to him. Merely turning over to sleep on my other side literally rocks his world. Want to sleep, baby? Sorry! We are going for a run. Want to eat frosting for dinner? Well, ok, that is fine. Most importantly, when I speak it is the most important and familiar sound in the world to him. Plus he doesn't even have a choice, he has to listen to me. People would kill for that kind of attention! (I fully recognize roughly zero of these things will hold true once he's born and yes I force him to eat his vegetables along with the frosting.)

What's even better about this is that all of my compulsive reading of baby books tells me that I've created an ideal world, a baby Eden if you will. The mere act of this baby being born and no longer living in my paradise world will be an incredibly traumatic experience for him from which he'll need substantial time to recover. This theory is fully spelled out in The Happiest Baby on the Block which is all the rage in newborn comforting.

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The book lists a series of steps you can take to calm and soothe a fussy newborn. Guess what the premise is? Baby misses his Eden and needs you to replicate it in every way possible. He misses being smushed so you should swaddle him. He misses being jostled around when you walk so you should bounce him. He misses the blaring noise of your heart and stomach sloshing so you should turn on a white noise machine. 

They're all trying to relive the glory days.
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Basically it sounds like this baby will never again be as happy as he is living in my universe. Although I hope he finds true love some day it is a nice ego boost to know that she'll never make him as happy as I do right now. Sure she cooks for you, kid, but does she EAT for you too?? Didn't think so.

28 weeks. Physicists tell us the universe is expanding. No, I don't ever dry my hair.