I am Lindsay Lohan

So here is the (not particularly exciting) hospital story: I felt kind of icky on Saturday but didn't think too much of it. I went to bed early and figured I would feel better in the morning. Wrong!! I woke up with a reeeeeally not good feeling in my stomach. I ate breakfast to see if that helped. (Not entirely true, I just always eat breakfast within 30 seconds of getting out of bed so there wasn't too much of a thought process here.) Anyways, it did NOT help. I started getting this awful cramping feeling. It was kind of coming and going, ranging from lady-type cramps to full on appendicitis cramps. Good thing I don't have an appendix anymore so I was able to rule that out. Eventually the pain spread to my lower back and I started to think it wasn't going to just go away on its own. I finally woke G up and told him what was going on. I didn't really think it was contractions but I didn't think it was really a positive thing at 33 weeks pregnant either. Looking back, I don't know why I didn't think it was contractions since the pain was coming and going in spurts and spreading to my lower back. I should obviously review my materials from childbirth class.

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Actually that is just what we did! G pulled out the notes we got from class because he remembered there was a section called "When to call the doctor". Abdominal cramps and severe lower back pain were both listed here so we put in a call. Obviously these things only happen on off hours so you have to page the on-call doctor who was "probably busy delivering a baby" (or "probably busy sleeping because it was Sunday morning"). I finally talked to him and not surprisingly he told me to head into the hospital to get checked out.

I don't know where the abundance of children in this city comes from but the Labor & Deliver wing was completely empty. We had the whole place to ourselves! The nurses were lovely and very calming. They told me everything was probably fine but they were going to run a million tests and they were very glad we came in to be safe.

Eventually all of the lab results came back negative (as in negative for any bad things, so positive??). They looked at my veins (or something) and decided I was severely dehydrated. I actually refused to believe this given how much water I drink and how many times I have to pee in a day but they showed me I had all the symptoms. Awesome. I am now as dumb as your average celebrity and was hospitalized for dehydration. At least I didn't have to cancel my tour due to exhaustion.

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At my next OB visit 2 days later, my doctor reassured me that I'm not an idiot and this actually happens all the time in the summer. He said that if I ever end up dying and dried up in the desert then nature will make me start to have contractions to get the baby out in order to save his life. Then he told me that I was better off taking after Lindsay Lohan than Britney Spears since Brit gained 70 lbs during her pregnancy and that's not healthy.

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Now that this whole ordeal is behind me, I have a few confessions to make. First- I had a Powerade Zero. It was JUST ONE!!! I was desperate and I knew I would chug the whole thing and it would help to rehydrate me. Sorry kid :( Second- I pumped the baby full of treats the next day out of guilt (or possibly sympathy for myself). It would seem that not only am I a selfish mother when I'm in pain but I also try to buy my child's love with sugar. I plan to work on both of these things before he's born.