Holiday Travel

I feel like a general prepping my army to go to war. The enemy, unfortunately, is my son.

Enemy

Victory will be declared if I am able to successfully prevail upon him to not scream on the plane, take acceptable naps, and even flash an adorable smile at our fellow passengers who fill with dread upon seeing him. Luckily I have chosen an advantageous battleground in that we won't be even close to the most fear inducing family departing from our home airport that day. For karmic purposes I will try to refrain from glaring at the inevitable "5 kids under 5" family that boards our plane.

Now to detail my preparations...Once the location for the battle was decided, I performed a careful accounting of the enemy's weapons and tried to prepare at least one appropriate defensive tactic for each. Experienced moms, please let me know what I'm missing.

Weapon: crying on the car ride / parking shuttle ride to the airport
Defense: luckily we have to leave so godawfully early that it will still be dark out and this will play right into the enemy's weakness for sensory deprivation.

Weapon: losing his mind at the airport
Defense: there are LOTS of windows to stare at which has proven to be a foolproof distraction in the past.

Weapon: crying with ear pain upon takeoff and landing
Defense: I have an arsenal of binkies. I also have the nuclear option- boobs.

Maybe he can be lulled to sleep for the entire flight? Haha.

Weapon: constant screaming from ever-present hunger
Defense: Unfortunately there may be some times at which nursing is not an option but I am armed with my hooter hider for maximum feeding privacy.

Weapon: averaging 2.5 diaper explosions per day lately
Defense: I plan to double wrap him with a size 1 diaper beneath a size 2 diaper in order to create multiple leakage barriers. Just in case, I'm also packing him an additional outfit and covering myself in airline blankets which smell like feces anyways so there will be no harm done. If all these defenses fail I really hope it's at least funny.

Weapon: needy baby bladder torture, a.k.a. "Good luck holding me and peeing in those nasty airplane bathrooms, Mom!"
Defense: I'll give the baby to my husband. It appears I'll be saved this time but B and I are traveling alone in December and I'm really nervous about this one. Do I hand him to an unsuspecting passenger? Hold him with one hand and hope I remembered to wear pants without a zipper? Just hold it as we traverse the entire continent?

He could just roll down the entire aisle and draw applause from the passengers.