Things doctors shouldn't say

I was somewhat alarmed when I went for my first, ahem, internal check when very very pregnant and my doctor exclaimed, "Oh my god!" After what felt like a very long pause, he eventually followed that comment by talking about how low B's head was which was apparently a good thing.

Well yesterday another doctor let out another exclamation at my expense and this time it was not good news. She walks into her office and without really looking at me says some version of the standard, "What seems to be the problem?" Wondering when she was actually going to look at me I said, "Ummm I think I have pink eye." This prompted a glance in my direction and she immediately recoiled and said, "Oh my god!!!! You definitely do and that's the worst case of it I've seen in awhile. I'm not even going to get close enough to you to do an exam." She shuffled away to her little rolly stool in the corner for just long enough to write out a prescription and then scurried away from the pariah (me).

In fairness to her, there were literally giant green eye boogers OOZING down my face and my eyes were barely capable of being open because of all the goo. The tiny portions of my eyes that were visible were certainly not pink, as the disease name implies, but blood red. I immediately ran off to Walgreen's to pick up a prescription and drew many horrified stares. While waiting for the least inefficient pharmacists I've ever encountered, I ran out of tissue to sop up eye goop so had to resort to wiping my face with a diaper out of my bag while I waited in line to purchase more tissues. I anticipate a headline in today's local paper about a zombie apocalypse and scary beasts with hungry red eyes.

(***When I say "I went to Walgreen's" I mean my mom drove me, just like she did to the doctor, because I couldn't see anything and my mom is a heroic, heaven-sent lifesaver who then proceeded to put my baby to bed and care for him all night so he didn't get infected.)

Oh, before you send sympathy gifts, I should tell you that I also had mastitis over the weekend which involved a 103 degree fever so you should probably double whatever gift basket you were about to purchase, thanks!!

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