The case for Amazon Mom

Even before I knew that that the grocery store is full of kidnappers, I was anti-errand. Errands were a pain in the butt before having a baby but now they seem an almost insurmountable challenge. Picture this scenario: I am sitting at home, having just returned from a large grocery run, and the smoke detector starts beeping. Low battery, crap. I look around in our junk drawer only to find that we are out of 9V batteries. I can't stand the incessant beeping (and it's probably not safe to have no smoke detector?) so I have two options.

Option A:
-Pick up B and take him into my room so I can put on real pants, sort of brush my hair, and try not to look half dead. All the while try to distract him from the millions of death traps in the bathroom and bedroom.
-Pick B up again and take him into his room. Nurse him so he is tanked up, plop him on the changing table, and try to select a toy that will keep him entertained so he doesn't fling himself off. Wrestle with him to get his pants and diaper off, changed, and on again, while he inevitably tries to get his hands in the mess and flings whatever toy I've selected to places I can't reach.
-Double check the contents of my diaper bag and ensure there is a Marcus along for the trip.
-Strain my back with a large baby and full diaper bag while I try to shimmy through the baby gate and head down the stairs.
-Attempt to put on shoes with no hands as they are occupied with trying to prevent the squirmy baby from touching everything in sight and throwing himself on the floor to explore.
-Wrestle a reluctant B into the car seat and try to distract him with toys so that he sits back for long enough to be strapped in. Then try to distract him with new toys when he realizes he is strapped in and gets pissed.
-Begin driving. Three minutes into the trip, keep my eyes out for a place to stop so I can contort myself and pull several neck muscles retrieving the toys he's tossed across the seat.
-Repeat this process until we arrive at the grocery store or pharmacy.
-Release an ecstatic baby from his car seat, grab the cart cover and diaper bag and try to make it in the store without dropping anything.
-Lay the cart cover inside of the cart to keep B from eating every conceivable germ and wrestle with him to get yet another strap around him before he attempts to dive out of the cart.

We tried it without the cover and he managed to leave bite marks on the cart handle.

-Cruise around the store for about 2 seconds.
-Break down and grab some crinkly package for B to play with.
-Eventually locate the batteries and put them in the cart.
-See the cold drink aisle and grab one for myself since all the hard work has earned me some refreshment.
-Realize that in the time we were shopping B has managed to destroy the chips or rice cakes or whatever was in the crinkly package and decide it's not nice to put it back on the shelf.
-Check out and pay for batteries, cold drink, and pulverized Tostitos.
-Repeat the car seat and driving process except with a much less happy baby who doesn't want to be in the car yet again.
-Spend the entire trip home singing horrible children's songs just to keep B from crying.
-Struggle to come up with farm animals that Old McDonald might own. Finally think of one and sing, "And on that farm he had a goat. E-I-E-I-O. With a....." What noise do goats make??
-Realize B has no idea what noise goats make and also doesn't care so carry on, "With a moo moo here."
-Pull into the garage and release an elated child from his chains.
-Try to struggle back up the stairs and through the baby gate with an additional package in hand.
-Return back to where we started an hour ago but with batteries.



Option B
-When it becomes clear that the smoke detector needs a new battery I could grab my laptop and order them in 2 seconds.
-Realize that Amazon marks the price up to make up for the "free shipping".
-Decide I don't care because it saves me 59 minutes and 58 seconds and the cost of the gas, soda, and crinkly package.
-Disconnect the smoke detector to relieve beeping and wait for the batteries to arrive at my door.


I would take Option B a million times out of a million. Thanks, Amazon Mom! Please extend my Prime membership for free as you will most certainly make your money back from me.

All you have to do to vote is click the banner! You can vote every day!