The blame game

I think the hardest part about parenting is the constant terror that you are ruining your child. Every negative quality or undesirable habit that appears makes you question what you did wrong. Sometimes it probably is something I've done and other times it's probably something he was born with. The cruelest part of it all is after day 1, it is impossible to separate the two. Am I going to try to solve the nature vs. nurture debate here on my little mommy blog? Um no. I think we all know where I'm going here... I want to know, did I make B a bad sleeper?

My answer, of course, has to be maybe. I do think, and I will go to my grave thinking, that a good portion of his sleeping habits arrived with him at birth. It was fairly early on that he refused to be put down and under no circumstances would sleep flat on his back. By early on I mean he slept flat on his back for about 3 days of his life until he "woke up" and adjusted to having been born. As we went along I committed many sleeping sins that some experts will claim contributed to his bad habits. I did all of this completely aware of what I was doing, however, and therefore don't regret a one.

Should I have held him to sleep? Many will say no. They say this is just teaching him to want to be held. Sorry but he is a baby, he didn't need to be taught to want this. Of course he wants to be held! Newborn babies do not even comprehend that they are physically separate from their mothers. Did I perpetuate the habit by not trying to break him of it abruptly? Absolutely. I think that is what he needed at the time so I gave it to him and the great thing is we eventually moved on. I slowly nudged him and he got there on his own when he was ready. I have no regrets here.

Should I have nursed him to sleep? Again, many books will say no. They say if he falls asleep with a boob then he will wake up and be shocked that he is no longer in my lap but instead in his crib and won't be able to fall back asleep. I buy this to an extent but I also believe B is not a complete idiot. If this happens every single time he falls asleep then the shock should wear off. I also think that being able to nurse him to sleep is the greatest weapon I have in my arsenal and I would never want to break him of that association. Nature made it that way for a reason in my opinion. Just like being held we are starting to move on from this. He doesn't fall asleep every time so I just lay him down in his crib regardless. He ends up asleep either way.

My fellow Delta passengers certainly appreciate the fact that he can be nursed to sleep and held for a nap.

I have no crunchy mom defenses for my other cardinal sleeping sin. He has a binky and he loves it. He's getting better at finding it for himself so maybe we are through the worst of it. Either way it was a godsend in the earlier days so while I wish he didn't need it I can't blame myself for going there and I accept that we are now paying the price.

In conclusion, I think B was born a bad sleeper and I did not make him this way. I am willing to accept some blame, however, in that I did not do most of the things that one is "supposed" to do in order to make him a better sleeper. (I am going to spare a discussion here of why our definition of "good sleeper" is absurd because babies are not meant to sleep through the night at a young age, yadda yadda.) I accept that his behavior is partially my fault. There I said it.

I know I've taken you down a long road to get to my inevitable point so if you're still reading, don't worry, we have arrived. Basically I'm willing to make a deal. If I accept blame for his worst qualities then I am going to demand credit for his best qualities! B is incredibly good natured. He is happy almost all the time, easygoing, loves other people, enjoys new experiences, and delights in most things in life. Was he born this way? Probably. But did I do some things to enhance this? I like to think so. If I were to make a list of those things I would include every single one of my sleeping sins (maybe not the binky...).

"This is my delighted face."

What many view as overparenting and spoiling, Dr. Sears, the hippies, and I view as strengthening B's sense of security. I think he loves adventures and other people because he knows if he gets scared and needs me I'll jump in. It seems counter intuitive in some ways but by going to him when he cries I think it makes him cry less. I would be terrified to try trapeze swinging with no net but excited to try it if I knew I'd be ok if I fell. (In actuality I would be terrified either way but I thought the metaphor worked here and would hold true for people less scared of injury.) There are other philosophies out there that work great for other people and perhaps even involve less martyrdom but we've found what works for us. This approach has the added benefit of my being able to guilt-trip B for the entire rest of his life about all the sacrifices I made in order to raise him to be a strong and stable young man. (This way when he makes it big he is sure to buy G and me a house and then it won't matter that we have no retirement savings to speak of.)

"Due to my underlying sense of security I am not frightened by my loss of vision or the blockage of my airway."

I know I said "in conclusion" before and then didn't conclude. So, really in conclusion this time, despite the fact that B's sleeping and demeanor are likely mostly innate I will accept full accountability for his sleep habits if it means I can take credit for his sparkling personality. Deal??? Boom. See what I did there? I started this post blaming myself for everything and ended it by painting myself as a martyr who deserves all the credit. I think I have mastered motherhood at last.

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