Where do babies come from?

People keep asking me when we are going to have another baby. Mostly I want to reply with, "Are you f*&#ing out of your mind??" Instead I usually manage a blank stare. In order to respond to these people without cursing, I've come up with a list of conditions.

I will consider getting pregnant when...

1. I have slept through 300 of the previous 365 nights. I feel this is reasonable and more than allows for illness, nightmares, etc. We are nowhere close to this.

2. My back has been pain free for at least 6 months. I start physical therapy Monday and I'm told that with religious adherence to this new plan I can expect a 50-75% improvement in 6-8 weeks. So again, we are nowhere close.

3. B is out of diapers. He likes to dance around with no diaper on so he seems to think he's ready. I can assure you he is not.

"What do you have against nakedness, Mom? I look goooood."

4. B is speaking in full sentences. There is really no reason for this other than the fact that it buys me more time.

5. I am in Hawaii. This is my final and most stringent requirement. I only get pregnant in Hawaii. The beauty of this is that it provides a nice answer to one of the toughest questions parents must address. Given that B will be speaking by the time his little brother (let's be realistic) comes around, he might ask where babies come from. Due to my brilliant plan I can just answer, "Hawaii". The only complication that could arise is in the distant future when I want to go back for another vacation with my 2nd and final child in tow. Probably B will expect that we are having yet another baby and he will tell his brother. When the boys find out that we are not returning home with a new baby they might be confused and upset. Hopefully if we get a puppy the children will be pacified.

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